Toothbrushes

I fucking hate brushing my teeth.

That isn't to say that I don't brush my teeth regularly. I certainly see the value of good oral hygiene. I just hate the process. I remember, as a kid, going to a dental seminar, where an oral hygienist demonstrated the correct way to brush teeth using a fake skull and a comically oversize toothbrush. She brushed to the rhythm "Peter's theme" from Peter and the Wolf, explaining the process from a song she improvised.



Listen to that music at the beginning, and imagine a perky young woman with a pixie haircut, bobbing left to right, singing: "Brush brush, against the gums, against the gums, it's really fun, make your teeth shiny and new!"

Her over-the-top, chipper singing, along with Peter and the Wolf, whilst brushing a skull with a clownish toothbrush set a surreal, yet eerily disturbing, atmosphere. I can't help but feel the use of a terrifying skull was a mistake. I came away from the experience feeling that brushing one's teeth is already a tedious process, without having to add song and fanfare to the mix. Worst of all, I hated the feel of the bristles against my gums! Every time I'd brush my teeth, I'd feel as if my gums were torn apart, and I'd taste blood in my mouth. I'd go to bed with the pain I had inflicted on my teeth, throbbing away in my brain.

No matter how many times I'd brush my teeth, it never seemed to really help. I'd go to the dentist, and he's "tsk tsk tsk" me about all the plaque that had built up on my teeth. Then he'd suggest I floss regularly, which, while I'm on the subject, is total bullshit. Floss had to have been conceived by someone with intense OCD. I mean, using string to get the gunk out from between your teeth? So, it's not enough that we have to brush our teeth obsessively TWICE a fucking day, but now we have to clean BETWEEN them as well? Why do we even have teeth if they are so brittle that this much effort is necessary just to maintain them???? AAARGH!

Brushing for me consists of front, back, side-to-side, rinse, spit, done in under 2 minutes.

Fuck toothbrushes.