Shoelaces

What is it about tedium that makes it so goddamn annoying? Whenever I take on a daunting task, like losing weight, or to a much lesser degree, like washing my car, I do so with an uncharacteristically optimistic vigor or, dare I say, moxie. However, when it comes to a seemingly simple, easy chore, like washing the dishes, taking out the trash, or in this case, tying my shoes, I couldn't be MORE BOTHERED! Seriously, when I look down, and see my shoes are untied, I immediately hear the classical music piece "Night on Bald Mountain" playing (which has NOTHING to do with the fact that I'm bald... okay, well maybe a little...).



I want to get on my knees, and scream to the heavens that have forsaken me to have to get on the dirt, like an animal, and tie my shoe (especially if the laces are wet with rain and mud - ARGH!). Even if I'm at my apartment, about to go out, I look at the act of tying my shoes with great trepidation, which could make or break whether I even end up going out. I have to think to myself, "Hmm, will going out tonight even be worth the effort of tying my shoes? I just don't know..."

Some of you are, no doubt, thinking, "Are you really that lazy?" In most cases, the answer is YES. However, what you are not considering is that I'm a tall fellow, and hunching down to tie my shoes can be as much a strain as doing toe touches which, essentially, I am doing. I suppose I could hike my leg up on a chair or something, but even that feels like too much effort. I guess I wouldn't mind shoelaces so much if they didn't get frayed and nasty so quickly! Every pair of shoes I've ever owned, the ends of my shoelaces usually get frayed within months, making them doubly annoying to deal with.

My question is, with all the technology we have at our disposal, where the hell are those shoes with the power laces that Marty McFly puts on in Back to the Future II?



Two years ago, my brother gave me a pair of loafers without shoelaces, which was, and continues to be, one of the best gifts in my life. I love slipping on shoes, and not even worrying about cumbersome strings in the first place. I can't express to you the feeling of liberation that sweeps over me every time I put laceless shoes on. Sometimes, when I'm bored, or depressed, I just put my shoes on and take them off, to remind myself that, while things may suck now, at least I'm no longer enslaved by shoelaces.

Fuck shoelaces.