Shoelaces

What is it about tedium that makes it so goddamn annoying? Whenever I take on a daunting task, like losing weight, or to a much lesser degree, like washing my car, I do so with an uncharacteristically optimistic vigor or, dare I say, moxie. However, when it comes to a seemingly simple, easy chore, like washing the dishes, taking out the trash, or in this case, tying my shoes, I couldn't be MORE BOTHERED! Seriously, when I look down, and see my shoes are untied, I immediately hear the classical music piece "Night on Bald Mountain" playing (which has NOTHING to do with the fact that I'm bald... okay, well maybe a little...).



I want to get on my knees, and scream to the heavens that have forsaken me to have to get on the dirt, like an animal, and tie my shoe (especially if the laces are wet with rain and mud - ARGH!). Even if I'm at my apartment, about to go out, I look at the act of tying my shoes with great trepidation, which could make or break whether I even end up going out. I have to think to myself, "Hmm, will going out tonight even be worth the effort of tying my shoes? I just don't know..."

Some of you are, no doubt, thinking, "Are you really that lazy?" In most cases, the answer is YES. However, what you are not considering is that I'm a tall fellow, and hunching down to tie my shoes can be as much a strain as doing toe touches which, essentially, I am doing. I suppose I could hike my leg up on a chair or something, but even that feels like too much effort. I guess I wouldn't mind shoelaces so much if they didn't get frayed and nasty so quickly! Every pair of shoes I've ever owned, the ends of my shoelaces usually get frayed within months, making them doubly annoying to deal with.

My question is, with all the technology we have at our disposal, where the hell are those shoes with the power laces that Marty McFly puts on in Back to the Future II?



Two years ago, my brother gave me a pair of loafers without shoelaces, which was, and continues to be, one of the best gifts in my life. I love slipping on shoes, and not even worrying about cumbersome strings in the first place. I can't express to you the feeling of liberation that sweeps over me every time I put laceless shoes on. Sometimes, when I'm bored, or depressed, I just put my shoes on and take them off, to remind myself that, while things may suck now, at least I'm no longer enslaved by shoelaces.

Fuck shoelaces.

Toothbrushes

I fucking hate brushing my teeth.

That isn't to say that I don't brush my teeth regularly. I certainly see the value of good oral hygiene. I just hate the process. I remember, as a kid, going to a dental seminar, where an oral hygienist demonstrated the correct way to brush teeth using a fake skull and a comically oversize toothbrush. She brushed to the rhythm "Peter's theme" from Peter and the Wolf, explaining the process from a song she improvised.



Listen to that music at the beginning, and imagine a perky young woman with a pixie haircut, bobbing left to right, singing: "Brush brush, against the gums, against the gums, it's really fun, make your teeth shiny and new!"

Her over-the-top, chipper singing, along with Peter and the Wolf, whilst brushing a skull with a clownish toothbrush set a surreal, yet eerily disturbing, atmosphere. I can't help but feel the use of a terrifying skull was a mistake. I came away from the experience feeling that brushing one's teeth is already a tedious process, without having to add song and fanfare to the mix. Worst of all, I hated the feel of the bristles against my gums! Every time I'd brush my teeth, I'd feel as if my gums were torn apart, and I'd taste blood in my mouth. I'd go to bed with the pain I had inflicted on my teeth, throbbing away in my brain.

No matter how many times I'd brush my teeth, it never seemed to really help. I'd go to the dentist, and he's "tsk tsk tsk" me about all the plaque that had built up on my teeth. Then he'd suggest I floss regularly, which, while I'm on the subject, is total bullshit. Floss had to have been conceived by someone with intense OCD. I mean, using string to get the gunk out from between your teeth? So, it's not enough that we have to brush our teeth obsessively TWICE a fucking day, but now we have to clean BETWEEN them as well? Why do we even have teeth if they are so brittle that this much effort is necessary just to maintain them???? AAARGH!

Brushing for me consists of front, back, side-to-side, rinse, spit, done in under 2 minutes.

Fuck toothbrushes.